Not my Everyday Post...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

About two months ago I started feeling the symptoms of what I assumed was hypothyroidism- fatigue, weight gain, difficulty swallowing, depression, constipation, and abnormal menstrual cycles. Not to mention the HUGE growth in my throat that made it almost impossible to eat normal bites. I immediately went to the Dr.'s who ordered immediate lab work- my lab work was within normal range. I felt better I figured okay so maybe it's not that serious or maybe this "growth" was causing these symptoms. Then he ordered a cat scan ok I can deal with that, sure it's not fun but if it's important I'll do it. I was supposed to just go in and get one not lasting more than 30 minutes....about two hours later as well as 2 cat scans and an ultrasound later and an unexpected visit from another different Dr. who came in because he wanted to see this growth and talk to me. I knew at that time that this actually was more serious than I expected.
Then I returned to my regular Dr. who put me on some antidepressants that did help with a lot of my anxiety and referred me to a surgeon to get a fine needle biopsy. I was scared but knew that this procedure was the only way they could find out if the growth was benign. However, the day I was scheduled for just a surgical consult the Dr. was worried and asked me to do the biopsy that day. Now I was REALLY scared- I had come by myself b/c I figured I would just have a consult. I have severe needle phobia and almost immediately went into panic. But after three calm down pills (LOL) I was ok. The procedure was the most painful procedure I've ever endured. It was awful I can only explain it in one way- you guys ever watched someone get lypo like on a t.v. show and that tube is like jabbed into them it was like that but with a needle and in my throat three different times multiple different stabs. In and out and in and out....it was awful. But my results would be in within three days and my follow up was seven days away so I was confident this would be it.
On Wednesday I called the Dr. they told me they couldn't relay the results of my FNA (fine needle aspiration) over the phone. It was procedure that the Dr. go over it with me. Ok, that's fair. Monday arrived finally and the next thing I knew Chad (my b/f) and I were on the way to the Dr.'s. Chad looked at me so confidently on the way there and said- Courtney, you'll be fine it's Gods will and you've done so many great things for people it's going to be fine. Taking a deep breath I walked into the office. I got called back within ten minutes of signing in..that was unusual. I went and sat down and got my vitals checked my pulse was racing. But, nothing would prepare me for what was to come. The Dr. came in and sat down and told me that my biopsy results came back and I had papillary thyroid cancer. Immediately I stopped listening tears started filling up my eyes Chad started crying and I sat in utter disbelief of what I had just heard. Ok, pay attention Courtney this is important. He began to go over the surgery they planned to do removing the left part of my thyroid and my whole thyroid if they felt it necessary as well as my lymph nodes. And then the worst came- following surgery we will discuss chemo and whether or not this would be the next step. CHEMO!?!? We planned the surgery and 7 days from today and next Tuesday I will be admitted to the hospital for surgery. I will be in the hospital for two days and I appreciated the honesty I did, but he said I would be in possibly the worst pain of my life. I would be laid up for 3 weeks and unable to drive due to having to turn my neck.
I sat still ( I never sit still) and I saw Chad falling apart I knew I had two options. I was going to be really REALLY brave or break down. I knew I needed to be brave. If I was brave the people around me would feel better. I called my mom and without shedding a tear explained to her the news and procedure. I began calling other members of my family as well as close friends and shared the news. Every time word vomit came (where you have that lump in your throat and your about to cry) I would just say it as firmly as I could "I'ma be alright, I'ma fighter" It's a feeling I hope no one that I know ever has to go through to say those dreaded three words- I have cancer but being strong is hard. Last night I had company and then went to a friends house for evening blogging and was holding up really well.
I know it sounds like I whining or being selfish but I'm not this is just a place to vent. Being strong is so hard I feel like I should be the one falling apart and the people around me should be the one's who are being strong. I feel like I'm being so strong that it'll hit me at some point and I'll fall apart and the what happens if and the unknown is so scary. I'll be asleep in surgery what if I wake up and the next thing I know it's spread further or what if I wake up and they say that everything went as planned how am I going to react to this?!? Point blank the rest of my life will be different I'll have check ups about once every two weeks, I'll be on medication for the rest of my life, there's a possibility I'll never talk the same way, or be able to sing (which I do so wonderfully in the car and shower LOL) I'll have to go in every six months for x-rays, cat scans, and possibly more biopsy's and it's a scary experience.
Thanks for letting me vent- I wrote this whole post without a tear WOOHOO!! But for all my bloggy friends let me say that after next Tuesday my posts may be sparatic, and somethings may be a few days off, but I'm hoping to use this time to blog like crazy!! I hope you guys continue to enter my giveaways and leave me some great comments~ I know I'll be looking forward to it, and I'll update you all as and when I can!

15 comments:

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Judy March 30, 2010 at 9:29 PM  

I'm so incredibly sorry that you have to face this. I'm amazed at your strength and did not see this as whining at all.
Your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful man who will take care of you, and I hope that you will be able to see God's hand in all of this.
This is a time that you should worry about you, and take care of yourself in any way you feel is necessary...if it's on your blog, by all means.
My heart aches for you and the struggles you are yet to face, and I don't know how to put into words what you need to hear/read at this time, but know that there are those out there who love and care about you, even if you don't know them.
Best wishes!

Skulda March 30, 2010 at 10:25 PM  

Courtney-
you don't know me at all, in fact I just start reading your blog about a week ago from a link at Kim (Overallbeauty) FaceBook page. I'm a total stranger but I think you are so brave being about to blog about it like this. The way you described your experience is much like everyone who gets scary testing. I'll be sitting by here hoping for good results and sending over my healing vibes. Okay?
Hang in there! Never give up, and don't let the panic set in because being positive will help you through the healing process!

Sincerely,
Amanda
aka
Skulda

Tracie March 30, 2010 at 10:41 PM  

You aren't whining at all! What's the point of having a blog if you don't get to use it to vent your feelings.

I'll be praying for you!

Life Is A SandCastle March 31, 2010 at 12:29 AM  

Courtney, your also very positive and happy posting, we know your not whining at all. This is serious and you are brave, I agree you have the right to worry and so would anyone. If they said they didn't it would be a lie. I know I just recently came across your site, I felt a strong urge to come visit tonight, so please know I'm saying a pray for you.

Merrie L. March 31, 2010 at 3:47 AM  

Wow... thanks for sharing (your symptoms and your story). I think it's healthy to have a place to share your feelings, and it is YOUR blog! LOL ... and "we" are here for you! Good luck and keep your chin up! :) ((hugs))

~*Katie*~ March 31, 2010 at 4:14 AM  

I'm really sorry! You are right, you're going to be ok!!! And your whining or being selfish! This is YOUR blog write what you want to write, if others don't like it they can move one!!!

Emily B March 31, 2010 at 6:10 AM  

*hugs* - All I can say is you will get through this. It's gonna hurt like heck but you are strong and the pain won't last forever, I promise. ASK for painkillers when you need them. And the best advice I received after surgery and didn't take and regretted it: if they give you Tylenol3 with codeine, take a laxative with it (the pharmacist is NOT kidding if he tells you this).
I haven't been through what you're going through but I did have a lump removed from my breast 5 years ago and I know the surgery and the cancer scare is scary stuff. I have also had experience with chemo injections and it's not as bad as it sounds, everyone reacts differently but for me it just made me tired and mildly nauseous.

Just take all the time you need to heal and get yourself back on track. Don't try to rush it.

Tiffanee March 31, 2010 at 7:28 AM  

You are not a whiner at all!! You are so strong and brave!! Thanks for sharing such a hearfelt post. I have two friends that had the same thing. They are all doing remarkable today!! I kknow that doesn't help much. Best wishes and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Annette March 31, 2010 at 7:30 AM  

First off I want to say how sorry I am to hear of this. How incredibly scary.

Whining? How could you even think that you're whining? I'd be whining but this, this isn't whining. You sound incredibly confident and brave about the situation you've been handed.

I'll be thinking of you and your family.

<3

Jessica March 31, 2010 at 9:54 AM  

Im so very sorry to hear this news. Please stay strong and know that we are here to help get you through this! You can get through this!

Amy Brown March 31, 2010 at 12:27 PM  

oh no I'm sorry you have to deal with this! I hope everything will go ok and it will be a distant memory.. be strong.. we'll be thinking about you

Frugal Tumbleweed Acres March 31, 2010 at 1:14 PM  

Heavenly Father we pray for Courtney's surgery, that the Dr.s have the knowledge of the best Dr.'s in the world and that she goes through her surgery quickly. In your own SON's name, Amen.

Praying for your pain level too after surgery. You are in no way whining.....you are turning to your online friends and we are proud to call ourselves that.

Does Chad do any posting on the pc.....maybe he could keep us informed a little. I know we would all like that.
Blessings upon you,
Marj.

Tamara B. March 31, 2010 at 6:08 PM  

I am a so sorry you have to go through this! I wish there was something I could do or say to make it go away! You will be in my prayers and please if you can have someone else post an update so we know how you are doing!

D and A April 1, 2010 at 7:22 AM  

Hey, just letting you know that I am Friday following you back. I am sorry that I was late except that I got to read your news and want you to know that I will be praying for you!

Coo Coo Courtney April 1, 2010 at 1:14 PM  

I'm showing Chad right now how to post updates! So he'll be keeping you all informed. Thanks for all the love,hugs, and support- can't wait for this to all be over with!!

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