Not my Everyday Post...

About two months ago I started feeling the symptoms of what I assumed was hypothyroidism- fatigue, weight gain, difficulty swallowing, depression, constipation, and abnormal menstrual cycles. Not to mention the HUGE growth in my throat that made it almost impossible to eat normal bites. I immediately went to the Dr.'s who ordered immediate lab work- my lab work was within normal range. I felt better I figured okay so maybe it's not that serious or maybe this "growth" was causing these symptoms. Then he ordered a cat scan ok I can deal with that, sure it's not fun but if it's important I'll do it. I was supposed to just go in and get one not lasting more than 30 minutes....about two hours later as well as 2 cat scans and an ultrasound later and an unexpected visit from another different Dr. who came in because he wanted to see this growth and talk to me. I knew at that time that this actually was more serious than I expected.

Then I returned to my regular Dr. who put me on some antidepressants that did help with a lot of my anxiety and referred me to a surgeon to get a fine needle biopsy. I was scared but knew that this procedure was the only way they could find out if the growth was benign. However, the day I was scheduled for just a surgical consult the Dr. was worried and asked me to do the biopsy that day. Now I was REALLY scared- I had come by myself b/c I figured I would just have a consult. I have severe needle phobia and almost immediately went into panic. But after three calm down pills (LOL) I was ok. The procedure was the most painful procedure I've ever endured. It was awful I can only explain it in one way- you guys ever watched someone get lypo like on a t.v. show and that tube is like jabbed into them it was like that but with a needle and in my throat three different times multiple different stabs. In and out and in and out....it was awful. But my results would be in within three days and my follow up was seven days away so I was confident this would be it.

On Wednesday I called the Dr. they told me they couldn't relay the results of my FNA (fine needle aspiration) over the phone. It was procedure that the Dr. go over it with me. Ok, that's fair. Monday arrived finally and the next thing I knew Chad (my b/f) and I were on the way to the Dr.'s. Chad looked at me so confidently on the way there and said- Courtney, you'll be fine it's Gods will and you've done so many great things for people it's going to be fine. Taking a deep breath I walked into the office. I got called back within ten minutes of signing in..that was unusual. I went and sat down and got my vitals checked my pulse was racing. But, nothing would prepare me for what was to come. The Dr. came in and sat down and told me that my biopsy results came back and I had papillary thyroid cancer. Immediately I stopped listening tears started filling up my eyes Chad started crying and I sat in utter disbelief of what I had just heard. Ok, pay attention Courtney this is important. He began to go over the surgery they planned to do removing the left part of my thyroid and my whole thyroid if they felt it necessary as well as my lymph nodes. And then the worst came- following surgery we will discuss chemo and whether or not this would be the next step. CHEMO!?!? We planned the surgery and 7 days from today and next Tuesday I will be admitted to the hospital for surgery. I will be in the hospital for two days and I appreciated the honesty I did, but he said I would be in possibly the worst pain of my life. I would be laid up for 3 weeks and unable to drive due to having to turn my neck.

I sat still ( I never sit still) and I saw Chad falling apart I knew I had two options. I was going to be really REALLY brave or break down. I knew I needed to be brave. If I was brave the people around me would feel better. I called my mom and without shedding a tear explained to her the news and procedure. I began calling other members of my family as well as close friends and shared the news. Every time word vomit came (where you have that lump in your throat and your about to cry) I would just say it as firmly as I could "I'ma be alright, I'ma fighter" It's a feeling I hope no one that I know ever has to go through to say those dreaded three words- I have cancer but being strong is hard. Last night I had company and then went to a friends house for evening blogging and was holding up really well.

I know it sounds like I whining or being selfish but I'm not this is just a place to vent. Being strong is so hard I feel like I should be the one falling apart and the people around me should be the one's who are being strong. I feel like I'm being so strong that it'll hit me at some point and I'll fall apart and the what happens if and the unknown is so scary. I'll be asleep in surgery what if I wake up and the next thing I know it's spread further or what if I wake up and they say that everything went as planned how am I going to react to this?!? Point blank the rest of my life will be different I'll have check ups about once every two weeks, I'll be on medication for the rest of my life, there's a possibility I'll never talk the same way, or be able to sing (which I do so wonderfully in the car and shower LOL) I'll have to go in every six months for x-rays, cat scans, and possibly more biopsy's and it's a scary experience.

Thanks for letting me vent- I wrote this whole post without a tear WOOHOO!! But for all my bloggy friends let me say that after next Tuesday my posts may be sparatic, and somethings may be a few days off, but I'm hoping to use this time to blog like crazy!! I hope you guys continue to enter my giveaways and leave me some great comments~ I know I'll be looking forward to it, and I'll update you all as and when I can!